Sleep

Our daughter has a sleep cycle wherein her rising time in the morning vacillates between early and ridiculously early. The "good" sleep days generally last between 2 and 4 weeks long; and then the "bad" sleep cycle returns, often lasting 6 weeks to several months.

Lately, we are in a bad cycle. She rises at 4am, typically waking me up (or my husband if it's the weekend and I am sleeping in after the show) every 20 minutes.

We have contemplated systems of change... discussed ideas for delaying interruption of our sleep, deterring her from getting up and turning on the TV so soon, lengthening her sleeping hours somehow. As of yet - to no avail.

The aftermath of the current sleep cycle has been particularly evident and difficult to ignore today, as it has produced a sort of vertigo. My brain is sluggish, my body heavy and thick, and my head has been spinning as if I drank heavily last night. I sway while standing - feel the weight of my head rolling slightly as if pulled by some centrifugal force beyond the length of my shoulders.

Today I will nap. Despite the number of things requiring attention, the intentions I had for my afternoon, and the persistent nagging of my inner critic (who stridently decries such laziness and insists I do something more productive with my time).

I don't always take such good care of myself. I push too hard, challenge my limits, ignore red flags, and often end up in a place of oversensitivity, emotional flatulence, and damaging stress. When I choose this path, not only do I hurt myself, but I end up hurting those around me as well.

So... today, I will try taking care of my needs. Remove my attachment to the shoulds and oughts, let go the disappointment over what did not happen, and slip (deliciously, thankfully, restfully) into sleep.

And although a nap may not be possible for you in this moment, I invite you to check in with yourself and where you are today... and see if a little self-care might be necessary in some form.

May you remain awake to the truth of your being. May you allow yourself rest and care when you most require them.

Change

I recently posted some old high school pics on Facebook. Theatre shots from some of the shows we all did. It was a tightknit group, and it's really wonderful to see those faces and think back on what was such a formative and important time in my life.

Of course, things have changed considerably since then. For all of us, I would imagine. We refashioned our love of the arts and our relationship to creativity into our lives in myriad ways. We got bigger. We expanded our families. We moved.

I can't speak for everyone in the photo, of course, but the girl in all those pictures seems so far away and distant in relation to who I am now. Not foreign or completely unknown... just long past. I am a new person. My cells have regenerated, my personality has changed, my life has taken a great many turns and twists.

So it was I reflected back on memory last night and was struck by the way in which memory can sometimes clash with change - with the ways we change over time.

It happens all the time in families. Those ingrained dynamics and patterns settle in within minutes - we don them like a pair of comfortable shoes and old, tattered bathrobe perfect for knocking about the house. And yet, who in any family is exactly the same as they were the year before? Ten years ago? Twenty?

We hold onto those conceptions of each other, and sometimes they prevent us from seeing the person actually standing in front of us in the present moment. Similarly, we can do the same to ourselves... clinging to old notions of self and getting stuck in habits or modes of thinking more connected to a former time.

For me, this often leads to a series of roadblocks or obstacles I perceive in my anticipated path. I feel thwarted by life... "unfairly" set adrift as my mind defines infinite reasons to give up, move backward, or otherwise choose the easy path (i.e., the path of least resistance).

I forget my own changes - refusing to acknowledge the hard work, concerted effort, and mindful practice committed to and completed so far. And it is easy, at times, to disregard the differences forged successfully because there are still so many changes yet to be made.

What I need to remember, I've decided, is that change alters us in an intrinsic and undeniable way. We are new; always new. And whether we choose to return to our former selves or not, the option exists to live life under a new set of circumstances... to see with a new perspective separate from our prior filters in each unfolding instant.

That possibility - infinite and powerful - exists in each moment. It's sometimes ridiculously hard to seize upon such limitless potential, but it is there. And that should be at least some source of inspiration and comfort in times of stuck-ness and despair.

May you see yourself without a filter from the past or pressure-filled expectations of the future. May you always feel empowered to change.